Bimfoodle

the other shoe

The past few months have been so kind to me. My self-esteem and my acceptance for the world grew. My love-life makes me intensely happy. My family is alright and they love me. I found a new job before I ran out of money, and my new colleagues seem to be happy to have me around. I look at all this and I think to myself: “I should be happy.”

But I’m restless. I canardly sleep past six in the morning, when the birds and the light beckon me to get busy. I have trouble concentrating on one task for more than an hour. Whenever I write something, say something, do something, I immediately realise that it’s not the best I ever did, but I just don’t know how to correct it. My memory is playing tricks on me; I forget the laundry in the machine again, and anything that happens with a delay. I even forget meetings with friends. Which makes me feel flaky and horrible.

Maybe flaky is what I do under pressure. Maybe I need to learn to relax again. Maybe I’m just trying to protect myself from disappointment, anxiously waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop and make my life a stressfull mess again.

Well, I’m open to ideas, what do you think?

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

there is no nice way to say no

I always let people talk me into things. This writing is not about me blaming them for forcing me. I genuinely think their ideas are better than mine, their feelings are more important than mine. When I go along with them, I am rewarded with smiles and they tell me how much they like me. When I say no, in any sort of way, no matter how small, they react negatively, I feel punished. And sometimes they try to convince me anyway, they don’t take my no as a valid answer.

I’m learning to say no to my husband first, but it leads to arguments and shouting. He tries so hard to be the perfect husband for me, he wants to find that place where I never need to say no. Too bad that place is an unattainable fantasy. Saying no when I want things to stop, when I change my mind, when I’m feeling bad, it’s part of life. I should have the space to do that.

Still it feels wrong to disagree with someone. Like I’m hurting their feelings. I’m learning to voice my disagreement and it feels horrible every step of the way. Friends give me flustered looks. I feel like I’m not allowed to decline nice things, like I’m not allowed to change my mind. Once I agree to come to your new year’s eve party, I have to come again every year. Once I have been your friend for a few years, I can’t decide that we have little in common and stop calling you. I have to slither and back out of these things like a horrible person. Because if I ever found the courage to say “No thanks, I just don’t want you in my life right now” I would be the bad guy. There is no nice way to say no.

So I still let people talk me into things. And I take full blame. I choose to bend and change to accomodate others. Sometimes I even do it consciously. Because I’m still too afraid. After all these years, after all this work, I’m still too afraid to stand my ground. I’m still too afraid to be “not nice”, even for a second.

Sometimes, I test it, in public. I do small things. I don’t move over when other people want me to. I ask them to move aside for me. It never works. I always get pushed around and sometimes I even get shouted at.

So I give in. I let people talk me into things. My need to hear people tell me how nice I am, is somehow still greater than my need to be respected.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Sinfest Girl

and then, out of nowhere…

I have a job! They want me to start on monday.

It’s a challenge and they were upfront about that. But I could just see the HR manager’s eyes light up as I answered questions about myself. They have high expectations of me. Let’s do this!

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Happiness

The world is full of suffering. Our lives are short and what with all the pressure we feel from society, from our peers and our family, finding happiness in life is a challenge. Hard work or fighting the good fight can bring fulfilment, but I think everyone also deserves to sit their ass down sometimes and just be happy with themselves.

Happiness is not a goal you can strive for, it’s not a prize waiting for you at the finish line. Many people tell themselves things like “If I just lose fifty pounds, if my career takes off, if I find true love, I will be happy.” And I have seen too many of these people be disappointed.

Our society teaches us that doubt and critical thinking, perfectionism, can help us make things so much better. Don’t settle for mediocrity, you too deserve greatness. But the thought of “Is this good enough?” can be crippling.

I’ve found out that happiness is a state of mind, an active thinking process of contentment and fulfilment about who you are and where you are in life. It includes an acceptance of all the imperfections of life and human beings, the ability to see past all that and bask in your own glory and beauty. I think I can do it, and I think you can too.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Geluk is…

…met chocola en frisdrank samen onder een dekentje TV-kijken.

…lepeltje-liggen terwijl je moe bent en eigenlijk weet dat je zo niet in slaap kunt vallen, maar het ligt gewoon zo lekker.

…die grijns op zijn gezicht als ik hem bij zijn koosnaampje noem.

…het geluid van een spinnende kat die kopjes geeft tegen mijn elleboog.

…je realiseren dat, ook al ben je nu volwassen, samen spelen heel erg leuk is.

…even alles zijn beloop laten, want het komt wel goed.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Pinkdress

Approval

When I was young and insecure, I craved the approval of others. I felt like I had no frame of reference and I needed others to tell me whether I was doing things right, whether I was a good person. Looking around for the approval of others in this society has taught me one very important thing:

When a young woman has an opinion (no matter how valid or personal) men will call her naive. When a young woman disagrees with a man, she is wrong. When she insists, she is emotional and probably on her period. When she becomes angry, she is a bitch. And when she says no, she will be ignored.

Some women became vocal feminists because of this. Not me. I was too scared of conflict. I grew silent. I wanted approval, so I smiled and did what was expected of me. I carefully reworded my opinions to try to convince people I was worth listening to, and not as emotional as other women. I found insidious ways to avoid saying no to anything. Sometimes I manipulated and lied to avoid no, and sometimes I sucked it up and let people walk all over me. Neither technique made me happy.

It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't my fault. That the people who don't approve of me being who I am don't matter. That I can be a good person without their approval. That I am a good person despite anyone who disagrees. Even if I love several people. Even if I like sex. Even if I have a voluptuous body and no intention to change that. Even if I like to sometimes be grumpy and sometimes nice. Even if I believe there's good in every person. Even if I believe my own observations over scientific proof. Even if I say no to you because of my feelings right now.

These are things that define me. And unfortunately, my need for other people's approval is still here. It's going to take a while for my confidence to grow. So if you believe in me, please bear with me.
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Bimfoodle

Lan & Nath

Lan's back prevented him from coming with me to Charm. But not from gifting me with peace, confidence and his power amulet.

We walked to the lost and found station in Schiedam to get his wallet back and we had pizza in bed while watching cartoons. On friday, we leisurely got out of bed at one and I arrived at Charm only minutes before Hubbie did.

I hope he'll feel better soon. I will most definitely be fine.

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Me

Mold

I am a product of my upbringing. I have been conditioned my entire life to be a good, friendly girl who smiles and does as she is told. It’s rude to say no, it’s rude not to smile, so I have endured being used and put down with a smile.

I wasn’t shy as a child. My flustered smiling is a learned habit. Speaking up when a bully said something mean got me in trouble. Speaking up when someone made me uncomfortable was rude. Speaking up when men commented on my looks got me in even more trouble. There have been many times in my life where I wished I was invisible. But I am tall, blonde and busty, and many people seem to want things from me.

Until my late twenties, I was that good girl the world told me I should be. I thought that if I would just try to fit into that box, life would sort itself out. If I just changed myself, ignored the parts that didn’t fit, the mold would become comfortable at some point, and I’d be a happy mommy like everyone wanted me to be. Then I woke up and realized how unhappy I was.

In the past years, many people have helped me realize that life is a journey of self-discovery. That I have something to teach and inspire in others. That I have a right to feel what I feel, to think in my own way. I feel liberated, as if the mold has broken and fallen off.

So here I am, naked in the sunlight for the first time. Without the mold, I’m not quite sure what shape I am. But I’m curious to find out.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Amelie

Not a baroness

We had a continuous Maerquin adventure this weekend, with hardly any sleep. I love Maerquin because the team makes sure there is plenty to do for every kind of player, and not every plot can be solved by using foam rubber violence.

My characters often gravitate towards the “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” trope, the woman that must not be crossed, passionate, opinionated and painfully honest. I spend a lot of my time at larps argueing with people, loudly calling them horrible things, and then later making up again, with real tears. It’s cathartic in many ways, because I’m such a people-pleaser in real life.

Ellenora was a reluctant noblewoman, ran away from home when her parents’ expectations were too high, married an impulsive adventurer, and then the country exploded into war. She put on her big girl dress and shouldered the weight, believing in peace and trying to be an inspiration to others. Fighting on the frontline against the forces that threatened her people, she even helped assassinate the noble who would lead her people even further into ruin.

She worked so hard, gave everything, did only the right thing and asked nothing in return. And then her people kicked her out. They didn’t want a baroness, they wanted a council of the people. And the people voted that Ellenora should be kicked out of her own country, because she hadn’t supported them enough.

My character is depressed now, Ellenora is quite capable of drinking herself into a stupor and/or attempt suicide. It’s a little hard to separate that from my own feelings, but once done, I realize this is a beautiful story. A realistic story of humans being human: cruel, naïve, idealistic, bitter, strongwilled, flawed. Beautiful.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Larp

milestone

It was in 2001 that I used to spend my free evenings hanging out in a bar with a bunch of fantasy nerds. One of them was a wonderful story-teller, I spent hours listening to him recounting the plot of the Wheel of Time books as if he had been there himself. And I thought to myself: “This is why I want to write fantasy. Because one day, I want to be in a room and hear someone passionately tell a story that I wrote as if it had happened to them.”

Today, I walk through a room in a daze. Around me, everyone is excitedly telling each other the secrets, intrige, and dramatic moments they have seen in the past 48 hours at Lang Leve de Koning. And on my mind is only this one thought: “None of this would have happened without me.”

An impression of Lang Leve de Koning:

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

heavy

Him: “I wish I could make everything less heavy on you.”
Me: “The world is heavy. I think I have been trying to lift it. By myself. No wonder I’m so tired and I feel like I can’t do what I set out to do. Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling so inadequate about it. Sorry that I cried and argued with you. Thanks for loving me.”

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Bimfoodle

Is feeling much better, btw. Not because he got the right medication, mind you. Just the right vet. Who takes us seriously as intelligent and well-meaning owners, who trusts us with giving the right amount of medication correctly, and giving him all the information he needs to diagnose the problem.

Bimfoodle coat is again glossy black and his urine looks normal now. The house is quiet and back to normal again.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Story

Notes on this Maerquin weekend

This week, Maerquin is on my mind. I’ve just woken up from endlessly dreaming about the adventures we had this weekend. and I simply must write about it, or it will haunt me for weeks. So, excuse me.

Ellenora’s aantekeningen

Ik aanvaard volledige verantwoordelijkheid voor de dood van Isabella von Strahd. Zij was als een zuster voor mij, beiden beschermd opgevoed door strenge vaders die hoge verwachtingen van ons hadden. Ik aanvaard ook de verantwoordelijkheid voor het volk van Zepultoera, en ik wil iedereen die zich nog Zepultoeraan wil noemen, oproepen terug te keren naar Ten Vorsel en Siloportem, zodat wij kunnen beginnen aan de wederopbouw van ons verwoeste land. Wij zijn niet in de positie om hulp te weigeren, of nieuwe vijanden te maken. Daarom zullen wij Marsilac verlaten met slechts onze eigen bezittingen, en de lichamen van onze overleden vrienden.

Het is mijn intentie om een nieuwe wet in te voeren in Zepultoera: de Wet van de Natuurlijke Dood. Annmarack is als God de enige met het recht om te beslissen wie er wanneer hoe sterft. Wij stervelingen kunnen dat niet. Eenieder in Zepultoera die een moord begaat of een andere misdaad, zal worden geketend in de Tempel van Vergiffenis, die ik laat bouwen, alwaar zij zullen bidden tot de Goden hen een teken van vergeving schenken door hun ketenen af te laten vallen.

Ook wil ik oprichten in Siloportem, de Orde van Claudius, waar kennis van alle soorten zal worden verzameld en opgeslagen, toegankelijk voor eenieder die nieuwe kennis wil opdoen of delen. En de Orde van Aurelia, soldaten die zullen strijden voor de bescherming van het leven en de onschuld, en die nimmer hun wapen als eerste zullen opheffen.

Dan wil ik ook nog laten bouwen, naast nieuwe huizen en landerijen voor de inwoners van Zepultoera, het Weeshuis van Alle Kleuren, vlak aan de grens met Marsilac. Daar zal eenieder die zich ontheemd en eenzaam voelt, jong of oud, ongeacht van rang of stand, welkom zijn te verblijven, zolang zij meewerken aan het verbouwen en klaarmaken van het voedsel.

Het is mijn intentie dat Marsilac en Zepultoera een vreedzame tijd tegemoet gaan, waarin wij een nieuw vertrouwen kunnen opbouwen, zodat er veilig gereisd en gehandeld kan worden tussen beide baroniën. Het is mijn mening dat wij allen teveel hebben geleden onder de aanvallen van de Zwarte Graaf, en dat wij nu allen rust en vrede hebben verdiend. En ook aan elkaar zijn verschuldigd.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Bimfoodle

What’s on my mind this week? My poor black cat is. He has had a bladder infection for weeks. His howling tells me it’s painful. So he tries to pee in many different places, to see if it hurts less. Some of the drops of pee are red.

My vet said it’s stress, after two treatments with antibiotics (five days each) nothing has changed and my cat is still in pain. He can’t find any bladderstones or bacterial infection, so it must be stress.

So this afternoon, I’m taking Bim to another vet. I can’t just sit here and wait for it to go away while he is obviously in pain. There must be something that will bring relief. Painkillers, something the other vet overlooked. There is something making him pee blood, ffs! Don’t tell me it’s stress. Stress does not make you pee blood.

So, I’ll keep you posted…

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Reinstatement of the weekly post

I really want to go back to writing something about my life every week, but I feel uncomfortable writing here about where I’m going all the time. So instead of telling you about what’s on my to do list, I’ve resolved to write about what’s on my mind every week.

So, what is on my mind?

Not a whole lot. Or at least that’s my goal. I have been overthinking everything a lot lately. So, my resolve for this week is to enjoy the moment. Loosen up. Tell my loved ones sweet little nothings and make them laugh.

Not everything has to make sense. I don’t need my thinky brain all the time. Especially when I’m trying to be happy.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Storytelling

I recently discovered this interesting initiative by a German university to start teaching massively multi-user online courses. Free education for anyone who is interested. And the course that interested me most, was of course the one about storytelling.

It has inspired me to continue with that story I tried to write last year, the Cursecaster. I think I’ve figured out why I was stuck and what to do now. A bit of worldbuilding is in order…

I might post extracts from the story here as it progresses.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Thinking pose

Acceptance

Like I wrote in this post, I believe we go through most of our life feeling somehow inadequate and incomplete. I look around and I see many people trying to solve that feeling. They promise themselves that one day they’ll be happy and perfect, if only…

…they were beautiful. Many people believe that all their problems will be solved somehow when they overcome their physical flaws, by dieting or surgery for example. Kate Harding once wrote an essay called “The Fantasy of Being Thin” that explains why hoping that your life will be all better when you’ve lost that weight can be such a disappointing quest.

…they were loved. Another big group of people believe that their life will be complete and perfect when they find true love. Elizabeth Gilbert explains in this video we shouldn’t expect others to complete us:

Make me feel complete… That is far too complex a problem to be solved by changing one’s physique, and it is far too much responsibility to just expect someone else to be able to do it for you. It can’t be solved by buying nice things, by a list of impressive achievements, and it certainly will not be solved by having high expectations of your children. You cannot burden them with your feelings of inadequacy, believe me, they will have their own.

I spend a lot of time explaining where it doesn’t come from. Because people are always looking in all the wrong places. It seems that the hardest thing to do, is to look at ourselves, accept the flaws we have, and believe that we are perfect and complete and beautiful anyway. Do not place your hope on outside forces, when the answer lies within.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

steady as she goes

I’m still here, still unemployed, still not writing, still keeping busy. Emotionally I’m good. I’m thankful for all the good things in my life. My friends who call me and break through the silence, the people who appreciate the work I’m putting into this new larp we’ve been working on with Badger’s Business, thank you. I’m still a happy person, overall.

The work for our larp “Lange Leve de Koning” is piling up. The other day I was at a plotmeet, and my partners were explaining the mechanics of the royal succession to me. I had to take their word for it, it looks solid, but I certainly can’t keep score. I felt thankful that they are organising this thing with me, that I can trust in their know-how.

We were going over some backgrounds together, tying all of the loose ends together, connecting players to each other, and I managed to connect and reproduce details from backgrounds by heart. Inge smiled at me and said she was glad for that gift I have for being able to remember all of the players’ stories like that.

Players message me on facebook, telling me how they’re looking forward to the day in December when we can all don our costumes and enter this world of my creation, play out this scenario of my invention. It’s humbling to see how they’re enjoying this so much already.

The reality of organising a larp is, from my point of view, a lot of text, a lot of emailing, a lot of communication, explaining, editing and trying to retain information. A lot of reminding, a lot of agreeing and then adding new things to the story. Other people do beautiful things like crafting and costuming, and I admire them for it. I do a lot of running around, telling others how it should be, how much money we can spend, and worrying whether I didn’t forget anything.

On the weekend, I will be giving a lot of directions, and speeches, I’ll be organising information, trying to not freak out, and then freak out anyway. I will be told to eat something, drink something, go to sleep, and I probably won’t. I’ll try to enjoy watching my plot unfurl, watching the players do their thing, and try to anticipate. When it’s all over and done, I’ll say thank you and coordinate the cleaning up.

It seems like a lot of work. But just reading the backgrounds already makes it so worthwile. The players put so much trust in us, they write these stories, they dig their own graves, write their own legacy, and they trust us with that. They trust us to make it into an awesome story, a weekend they won’t easily forget, with drama, confrontation and death. Thank you. I hope I can live up to those expectations.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

redecorating

I have decided I want to do some redecorating, but you guys know me. Power tools and me, it’s very hazardous. So here’s my request: if any of you want to help me hang some lamps, drapes and other ornaments from the walls and ceilings of my house, please let me know. I have all the tools, I’m just afraid to use them. Let’s pick a date and I’ll make you yummies in return.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

Love and jealousy

Romance in pop culture sometimes makes me very sad. Every so often, a romance story is about cheating on each other, about jealousy. “How can it be true that you love me if you say “I love you” to someone else?” The stories with this trope often end in break-ups because there can be only one. It makes me sad and I’ll tell you a very personal story to explain why.

Most of you know that I do live roleplay in my free time. A few years ago, after my warrior-woman character died at Maerquin, I started to play a damsel in distress. And I met Nachtvisser, who played the knight who saved me. Our characters fell in love, and frankly so did we.

You know I’m married. Me and my hubbie, we’re a team. I hope to be with him for many years to come, I want to be there to feed him icecream with a teaspoon when we’re both senile and shaky. Nevertheless, I fell in love with Nachtvisser, who has a happy family with two children.

We talked about it. A lot. We resolved that our characters would have their romance and get married, and outside the game we would just be friends. It was an elegant solution.

I am a flutterheart, this was neither the first time, nor the last that another person than my husband made my heart beat faster. A flutter of the heart is no reason to trust each other less, my hubbie said to me. It doesn’t make him jealous and it doesn’t make me unfaithful. Because at the end of the day, he still knows everything about me, he is still the man of my life.

And that is why the “How can it be true that you love me if you say “I love you” to someone else?” -trope makes me sad. Because trust and forgiveness are stronger than jealousy. Because the heart is not a thing made of glass that can be broken, or stolen or given away only once. I believe love is stronger than that.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

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Hammy

I haz a sad

I really need to stop questioning my decision to write every time I receive a rejection letter. But I can’t help it. I worked so hard on this, and they still don’t want it…

Tell me Mr Gaiman, Ms Rowling, Ms McMaster-Bujold, tell me how to not take rejections personally. Tell me how to continue believing this is still the best book I ever wrote. Tell me how to keep trying instead of retreating into a corner, wallowing in the knowledge that I just suck.

*holds up sign: will write for hugs*

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Thinking pose

Intelligent Egoist

There is this book called Words from the Heart in which the Dalai Lama says something like: “Be kind to others, because they will respect you more, and that will benefit you. Even if you are an egoist, you should at least be an intelligent egoist, and be kind to others.”

I read an article the other day in a Dutch newspaper called NRC about altruism. I was written by a psychiatrist and it argued that altruism is a façade. It doesn’t exist. Charity, health care, family. In the end, we always benefit. She quotes Dawkins’ The Selfish Gene and the above quote from the Dalai Lama. It made me think.

If an act benefits us, is automatically a selfish act? I have wondered about this before, a few months ago, I pondered the question: Is the search for enlightenment a selfish quest?

I believe firmly in the Rule of Three: whatever you put out into the world, be it positive or negative, it will return to you, threefold. This one is similar to the idea of karma, or the advice of Confucius to only do onto others what you would have them do to you. Basically, what they’re saying is: be a good person, and you will be rewarded.

Is it selfish to be rewarded? To enjoy the fruits of your labour and the gifts given freely to you? Or is it simply wrong of us to feel guilty about being selfish? Why is selfish a bad word, when it implies taking good care of ourselves? Do other people not benefit when we take good care of ourselves? Is altruism really about destroying oneself for the benefit of others? Because if that’s the case, I prefer to be an intelligent egoist.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

busy times

I could write down the same thing here every week. I’m still looking for a job, still keeping my house clean, visiting friends from time to time, happy with my Hubbie, trying to get that novel published, excited by some videogame that allows me to make a strong female character, busy with our Lang Leve de Koning! larp plans, thinking too much about the meaning of life and what I am doing here.

A few times I thought about writing something here, and it turned out to be a depressing train of thought, about my outlook on life, or about human nature in general. Once, it turned out to be a very vague story about reiki and the balance of the universe. And I almost wrote a fangirling piece about a game I have already lost interest in again.

I try to think before I post, too many people don’t, and it has happened to me too many times as well. If you have nothing useful to add, better not say anything at all.

I am well, and I am busy.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Larp

Lang Leve de Koning!

It first dawned on me when I wrote a new CV a few weeks ago. I have experience organising events. Events where thirty people or more sleep, eat and play together for three consecutive days. And most of those events were a success thanks to the organisers, thanks to me.

It’s not just something that looks good on my CV, it’s something I’ve enjoyed doing immensely. But this time, it’s different. This is the first time that I can call the plot “My Plot”. I may have handled finances, food and organising stuff before, but this is the first time that the story is mine. Not entirely mine. I could never do this without Anastaszia and Erwinl. But it’s mine nonetheless.

One post on facebook and I get five new sign-ups. We have more than fourty seriously interested people. For our event in December. I am astonished and humbled. But I have to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Write more plot.

If you’re interested in what this is all about (and you can read Dutch): Lang Leve de Koning!

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Thinking pose

Hollow

When I was a child, there were a lot of albums of the Police lying around the house. This song made me think, the other day.

It describes a feeling I think everyone feels. Something is broken, “missing from my life”, and we spend a lot of time trying to fix it, trying to fill the hole. The Oatmeal wrote a comic about it the other day. I think we are all constantly trying to silence our demons of fear, doubt, regret and general blerchness. The Oatmeal runs marathons. I have tried to fill the hole with sex, with videogames and roleplay, with writing stories about people trying to fill the hole, and even by trying to help others battle their demons. Everyone looks for ways to conquer the void.

We just can’t. Nothing we do ever makes us truly happy. Contentment and peace are fleeting somehow, despite the invention of a number of belief-systems designed to find peace within ourselves. Despite all of the things we try. We remain inadequate human beings.

I have a theory that we come from a place of eternal perfection. Then, we are born into this world of beauty and misery to go on some kind on journey, to learn something. And upon death, we return with whatever we learned. Some religions describe something similar to my theory. But they often judge us, working with concepts like “good” and “evil”, being good will lead us to enlightenment or heaven, being bad will damn us to hell.

I don’t believe in that. I have never met a person with truly bad intentions. Sure, as a group, we do unspeakable things. There is evil in peer pressure, in mobs and in organisations. But not in people. We are all just misguided, troubled, foolish humans, looking for a way to fill the hole.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Bimfoodle

It’s time for me to get on my soapbox

I’m worried about what people do on the internet. Not because the internet is for porn. Porn is fun, if it’s made by consenting adults. What I’m worried about is that the internet seems to be for trolls.

I’m talking about the toxic language of comments on youtube and of tweets. The rules of basic human decency simply do not seem to apply. The other day, the woman who won Wimbledon was called all kinds of nasty things on twitter because some people don’t think she’s pretty. People tweeted things I’m sure they would never dare to say out loud, directly @ a woman who has just demonstrated that she’s a top-athlete. What is this thing about sitting safely behind a computer that makes people feel entitled to say unacceptable things like that?

You all know I love to play MMORPGs. I was online in such a game the other day when the chat channel turned ugly. Someone made a bunch of nasty remarks, including a rape joke, about people who could not play the game very well. And I raised my voice asking: “Is it acceptable to be mean to someone with inferior skills? Does that entitle you to call them names and make fun of them?” and I was met with crickets, blank stares and three smug “Yes, of course!” answers.

This is why I recently signed the Gamers against Bigotry pledge and I’m a little disappointed at the small number of other who have done the same. People need to become more aware that the internet is a community made up of people, people whose feelings can be hurt, and who deserve to be treated with respect.

I’m going to leave you with Jimmy Kimmel, who is trying to show us that the mean things people say on twitter do have impact, by showing us celebrities reading what people tweet about them.

Originally published at my website. You can comment here or there.

Candid Opinions

It's time to get on my soapbox

I'm worried about what people do on the internet. Not because the internet is for porn. Porn is fun, if it's made by consenting adults. What I'm worried about is that the internet seems to be for trolls.

I'm talking about the toxic language of comments on youtube and of tweets. The rules of basic human decency simply do not seem to apply. The other day, the woman who won Wimbledon was called all kinds of nasty things on twitter because some people don't think she's pretty. People tweeted things I'm sure they would never dare to say out loud, directly @ a woman who has just demonstrated that she's a top-athlete. What is this thing about sitting safely behind a computer that makes people feel entitled to say unacceptable things like that?

You all know I love to play MMORPGs. I was online in such a game the other day when the chat channel turned ugly. Someone made a bunch of nasty remarks, including a rape joke, about people who could not play the game very well. And I raised my voice asking: "Is it acceptable to be mean to someone with inferior skills? Does that entitle you to call them names and make fun of them?" and I was met with crickets, blank stares and three smug "Yes, of course!" answers.

This is why I recently signed the Gamers against Bigotry pledge and I'm a little disappointed at the small number of other who have done the same. People need to become more aware that the internet is a community made up of people, people whose feelings can be hurt, and who deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm going to leave you with Jimmy Kimmel, who is trying to show us that the mean things people say on twitter do have impact, by showing us celebrities reading what people tweet about them.
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Bimfoodle

I haz no thoughts

So for today's gif that made me lol:



We're back from holiday, busy cleaning the house and stocking up. Later this week, our household will be fully operational again, with Hubbie at work and me looking for a job. But until then... It's a mess! And Bimfoodle likes to roll in it to make it worse.
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Bimfoodle

Prayer

We were in the Abbey in Bath when a man climbed up and read a prayer. It was a prayer for peace and support for the people who need it, all around the world. It sounded like a selfless, good-willing prayer, but the cynic in me became sad. Instead of praying, sending wishes up into the air, one could also get up and do something. Praying is as helpless a gesture as worrying. I don't see why it brings anyone fulfilment.
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Bimfoodle

Holiday notes

The weather has been marvellous ever since I complained, so complaining really helps!

We have been walking in Dartmoor and in Exmoor now. Both were very pretty, though Exmoor reminded me of my home in the Provence. Farmland with dry, rocky ground with streams running through the bottom of the valleys. Dartmoor was much more alien with its mossy rocks and lack of trees.

Driving in England is proving to be fun but tiring. Hubbie has taken to napping when we return to our room in the afternoon. We have arrived at a charming place called The Cedars Inn, and tomorrow we move on to Bristol and then Bath. On Saturday, we drive to Dover and then from Calais back home.

To anyone planning to go on Holiday in Britain anytime soon, I can recommend two organisations: the Old English Inns, which is a chain of both affordable and comfortable places to stay, and the National Trust foundation, which restores and maintains old estates and opens them up for public viewing.

All in all, this has been a lovely holiday. Don't mind me while I enjoy a pint of Strongbow in the afternoon sun.
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Bimfoodle

Holiday notes

I am so marvellously content with this hotel and the things we saw today, I can't think of anything to write. Buckland Abbey is beautiful, and so is Dartmoor. And I'm looking forward to sleeping in this fuzzy bed.
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Bimfoodle

Holiday notes

Sunday, we arrived in Cornwall at the Weary Friar Inn, where the thick wooden doors have wrought iron handles and signs at the top saying: "mind your head". The doorways and passages are narrow and the ceilings have dark wooden beams. For dinner, we had cornish sausages with mash and mysterious vegetables, i.e. we had no idea what the white sticks and the orangey mush were.

Monday, we drove straight through Dartmoor, over rolling hills and cattle grids. Beside and on the road we saw sheep, ponies, ginormous cows and obnoxious goats. We walked around Becky Falls where I took loads of photos. Now, I love the outdoors, but when I was back at the car, I had this strange craving to get away from the moor and sit on a fluffy seat, being served coffee with too much cream by a youngster in a uniform. Ah, civilisation...

After that, we drove back over the motorway and visited Port Elliot. The weather turned lovely and we got a wonderful look at the historical building and its quirks.

I had some difficulty getting access to internet and it made me very grumpy. I'm going to interpret these feelings as homesickness and missing you guys. It's not that I'm not having fun, I just wish the things I love to do at home, chatting with you, were available here.

Yes, ok. And I wish the weather was a bit more summery and a bit less English.
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Bimfoodle

Holiday notes

Today's trip from Hampshire to Dorset was all about drivers gesturing and waving at us and tall green hedges along narrow roads. Not all of it was fun, either. Due to the solstice at Stonehenge, it took us half an hour to drive two miles in a queue. And our navigation took us through the middle of nowhere to reach Sherborne.

We've been to Sherborne Old Castle and to Old Sarum and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that English kings were serious about their moat. Deep, steep moats. I think I may have learned more, but those were really nasty moats.

We are now staying in room three of an inn that only has three rooms in a hamlet that only has three buildings. An interesting contrast with the hotel/restaurant in the middle of a bustling town where we stayed yesterday.
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Bimfoodle

Holiday notes

Today, we would go on an adventure, so we stuffed ourselves at the breakfast buffet. After a bit of a drive, we arrived at Old Sarum at lunchtime where I made photos of the ruins. A wonderful history lesson because many people have lived there over the centuries.

We spent the afternoon lolligagging and loitering around Salisbury and Amesbury, with dinner at a pub, (I wonder why they call it steak and ale pie if it's just stew with a bun on top...) because in our real adventure would start at seven.

It was solstice today, which meant Stonehenge was open to every law-abiding person willing to make the trip and the queue. We parked the car in a field with hundreds of others, walked through another field, past bobbies and stands selling vegan and vegetarian food, to just walk up to the stones and hug them or sit on them if we wanted to.

The crowd was jolly and we watched the sun set while people around us played drums, sang, danced and did yoga. And drank the alcohol they brought, of course. We arrived back at the hotel just at midnight. It was a wonderful adventure.
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Bimfoodle

Holiday notes

We took the boat from Hoek van Holland to Harwich overnight, which means we got up at five this morning, local time. As soon as our car left the boat, rain thundered down on the roof. Welcome to England!

Then we drove through morning traffic following the signs to the SOUTH WEST. We stopped in Chawton to see Jane Austen's house and have lunch at the Greyfriar pub across the street. When we arrived at our hotel in Alton, we got the key to room 1 and now we're going to have a nap, I think.
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Hammy

going on holiday

Tomorrow, we're leaving to go to England, where we'll be sightseeing all across the southwest. Glastonbury, Exmoor, Stonehenge, it's all on my list. I might send you a postcard if I have your address, or an occasional message (with picture) if I have your whatsapp. We'll be back at the end of the month. Now, excuse me, must pack and clean and stuff.
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Bimfoodle

the state of the Nath

I've been awfully quiet, I know. I could tell you excuses, but frankly, I don't have any. And you don't care about excuses. You care about me.

So what's it like to be jobless in May/June 2013, Nath? Well, the weather is nice, so me and Bimfoodle are enjoying the yard and the quiet around the house. I have decided to treat myself to a bit of a holiday, so I play videogames a lot.

I have not been writing a lot here, because a lot of things that are going on my life right now are not for everyone to know. I never really thought about privacy until now. Most of the things I end up writing here are under tight locks for select people. Things about my family, my relationship and my spiritual life. I want to write them here to remember them, but I don't want to have to explain or justify it. And most of you are really not that interested in details about my sex-life or what my totem taught me lately.

I will tell this: Hubbie and I are going on holiday next week. Off to England, to see Exmoor, Glastonbury and Bath. We are taking our own car, so it's going to be quite an adventure. I might take pictures and write about the things we see there. We will be back by the end of the month. If you want a postcard, please leave your address below in the comments, I'll screen them so your address doesn't become public.
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Bimfoodle

weekly

It's Monday again already? I have been so busy... This weekend Hubbie's job took us out to an amusement park, a night in a hotel and a walk in a national park. It was nice to spend all that time with Fub and Klik, we had great fun.

Nothing noteworthy has been going on in my life, I'm taking it easy for now, visiting friends, finishing crafting projects and larp plans. I have been seeing a lot of Twilightbanana and Lanzaned with my new train pass. I'm working on a new one-shot larp project with the team from Badgers Business.

Now first thing I have to do is pack for Seven Gates.
-Sleeping things
-Costume with the white tights and pretty shoes
-Also bring boots for when my feet start to hurt or when it rains
-Gloves and handkerchief
-Various alchemy supplies, writing supplies and books
-Something to wear when it rains
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