If I want to fix myself and get back to doing what I do best, I'll have to take it slowly. So far, any attempt at actually doing something, cleaning the house, writing or editing a story, leaving the house for anything at all, has felt like I was pushing myself. I needed rest afterwards. It's frustrating, sitting around resting feels like a waste of time. I want to do things and fix stuff. It feels like I'm playing the Sims and every time I click on something that needs doing, an error shows that my Sim is too unhappy to do that right now.

I pushed myself last week. I went to see Jesse in Den Haag on Tuesday, letting him take me to movies and pampering me with restaurants and good TV. When the weather turned good on Thursday, we walked to Scheveningen and I loved the exercise. I arrived at the Leijenhorst house-warming party late in the afternoon and I was exhausted. Too exhausted to sleep, in fact. Luckily, they had stuff to do the next day, so they put me on the train home and I managed a nap before my brother arrived. My brother stayed for brunch and a walk in the woods the next day, deeply affected by that "Oh you poor dear!"-virus that causes everyone to be so nice to me ever since I've been home sick. Daniel and some other friends came over before my brother had left the house, to talk about a new roleplay campaign. When they left, Daniel stayed for dinner and showed me a good movie. When he left, I felt as if I hadn't had a moment to myself since Monday evening.

This week will require me to find my discipline again, as I'll have something to do every day. Preparing for D&D, getting back to writing, editing a story for a friend, cooking for visitors. I'll turn on all communication channels again so you can reach me, but I'm not sure if I'll get around to all my email right away. Doctor says I should try to do things, but I must allow myself to put everything back on hold if I need a rest.

It feels strange. Part of me wants to whip me back into gear, because it doesn't trust the rest of me. The only voice calling me lazy and a drama queen is a voice inside my head. Maybe that's why I keep being surprised by how nice everyone is being.

The way they're handling lag and high traffic on their servers is commendable. We were able to log in and play the game no more than 30 minutes after the test had started. No crashes, less problems with overflow instances, all in all it felt very clean.

I tried out the engineer and it looks like a lot of fun. Not entirely my style, but the effects are very well done. Using the rocket boots to fly backwards and shoot enemeies in the face, results in falling on your ass. Using a rifle's knockback to blast enemies away has a similar clunky effect. The engineer's inventions don't work flawlessly and that is all the charm.

I also tried the guardian again and I was very happy with the feel of the class this time. Very in your face with defensive skills. I didn't get around to the more magical skills but this is a profession that could be unkillable if played well. It's on my list.

I really dislike the Norn. When the race was announced, I was intrigued. But the execution just feels blegh. The story dialogues make characters blow their own horn a lot, without any show of the wisdom I would have expected from a race of druids and hunters. The Norn area looks like fun with the events and such, but the story really doesn't feel like one I can identify with.

Going to bed now. Will be off to the west tomorrow.

I'm going to see Jesse in Scheveningen tomorrow. He promised me nice weather, walks along the beach and movies, and I'm sure we can at least do two of these. On Thursday I'll be in Nieuwegein at the van Leijenhorst residence, where I'll spend the night. Friday will see me back home, Bimfoodle will be happy about that, even though fub has kindly agreed to come by and feed him. On Saturday I will have my brother over for brunch, and Daniel will come to discuss roleplay and movies. And on Sunday, Remco returns home from Germany.

Why is everyone being so nice?

So, no routine as of yet. I am useless at the moment. I worry too much about that meeting at work tomorrow, where my new manager and someone from HR will probably try to get me to set a date when I'll go back to work again. I've asked Remco to come with me to that meeting, because two against one are not fair odds. On the upside, we'll be able to go to my office for a moment and pick up all the internet shopping things that were delivered there.

I haven't been able to get back to Irristible yet, but I have taken up the advice of a dear friend of mine, to start writing short stories set in the same world as my book. Sondel's epic gladiator fight will now become a short story, as well as Sinthaia's breakdown when she has to somehow hang on to her position as high priestess when her god has been taken away. That sounds ambitious and I'm not feeling like a succesful writer at the moment. More like a slob who hangs around on the couch all day.

Next week is going to be weird. Remco will be leaving for Germany on Sunday, and I'll go visit Jesse for a few days. Later, friends of ours will be celebrating a housewarming and I'll probably spend the night there. I have no illusions that I'll have a shred of daily routine left when all that is behind me.

I keep creating characters in my head...

These were made with this pretty tool

During the beta weekend, I had an experience that I want to share here. GuildWars 2 boasts about their new way to make kill stealing impossible, to give everyone who participates experience and loot, to make you happy to see other players. And every word of it is true.

I was exploring the southern part of Queensdale, a rolling green landscape with meadows and rocky hills. I was just experimenting with my cone of cold attack, as I came upon a cave. It was really dark inside and my cone of cold didn't have a very long range, so I just wandered inside without knowing what I got into.

I wasn't quite sure what the hulking shape before me was, until it lunged at me with a club. An ettin! My cold attacks did slow it down, but it was rather big. I scrambled backwards out of the cave again, unintentionally giving it the opportunity to lunge at me again. It pounded me into the ground before I could dodge, and I lay there, almost dead* just outside the cave, using my grasping earth attack to stop it from killing me off.

Then a dome of light appeared around me and a big guy with a hammer came charging in, followed by a girl with a magic wand and her undead minions. As the big guy and the minions finished the ettin off, the girl knelt down beside me to help me get back on my feet.* By the time the ettin was dead and I was standing again, we were all wounded, so I used my cleansing wave to heal everyone and show my gratitude.

I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure which chat channel to use, or how to invite them into a group. Game mechanics like that are real immersion breakers, having you look through menus with your cursor while you were just on an adventure. And it turned out it was completely unnecessary.

We used some healing skills on each other, and then the girl ran into the cave. The big guy and me just followed because, well, what else were we going to do? The minions distracted the ettins, my cone of cold slowed them down and the hammer attacks stunned them. When any one of us went down, we managed to kill the enemies and get up again. And as we defeated ettin after ettin, I found shiny things among the corpses, just pressing the auto-loot button to take it all with me. I could look at it later.

As we neared the end of the cave, the big guy said something victorious, like "Congatulations to me!" He leveled up, but there was no need to stop even for that. We cleared the cave and the girl cheered and waved before running off while I checked my inventory and the big guy checked his skill points.

It was successful, fun, spontaneous and there was no need to argue or even talk about strategy. This is something that could never happen in a different MMORPG.

*An aside about game mechanics: when your health runs out in GuildWars 2, you fall down on the ground. At this moment, you're still conscious, you have another health bar and you get 4 skills to defend yourself. One of these skills is a heal skill, and if you manage to fill up your health bar, because you're not constantly getting hit, you can get up again at about 50% of your original health. Any other player, and even NPCs can kneel down beside you and heal you. This is a channelled skill, which can of course be interrupted by enemy attacks, and it lasts until your health bar is full.

I have been playing in the beta weekend and I must congatulate you. The game is breathtakingly beautiful, not just the graphics, but the style. The paint strokes in the movies, on the map and in the UI, there were so many times I just stopped playing to sigh at the beauty of it all.

What I want to talk to you about are the character models. The Charr look amazing with all the details in their fur, the stripes and the spots, their horns and their ears and their gait. Absolutely wonderful. I'm dying to see what the Sylvari and the Asura look like. That being said, I'm disappointed in the character models of the Humans and the Norn and their starting gear.

On your website and in the videos with the developers, you boast about bringing roleplaying back to the MMORPG, about the personal story in Guild Wars 2 and for what I've seen it's worth boasting about. But if this beta weekend was a good indication of what the Human and the Norn characters look like in the game, I'm not going to be able to play those races and feel like this is my personal story.

You see, I'm fat. I have good old child-bearing hips and a cleavage a man can bury his face in. And all the character models for the human female looked like teenage girls, while the Norn models all looked like athletes. I could hardly tell the difference between those 10+ bodies because none of them looked anything like me.

You see, a naturally big woman's thighs, they touch when she walks. And big breasts, they don't point straight forward like discs of doom, they behave like waterballoons willed with jelly, bottom-heavy. You did such a great job with muscles and bones, the Human females really look like pretty young girls and the Norn look so strong. But where is the rest? Aren't you going to accomodate the normal in-between-looking people, the padded bellies, and the people who like big butts and cannot lie?

I remember distinctly that one of your female developers made a video about customisation and dyeing character outfits. And I must say, she kept her promise, the customisation of outfits with dye works wonderfully and it made sure that I never ran into anyone who looked the same as I did. But I wonder, is her body type in there among the character models?

And as for the outfits... When I had made my human character and was released into your world, not only did I look like a teenage girl with breast implants, I was also wearing a top with no back (and no bra), a skirt so short everyone could see my panties and one decorative garter. There was also an abundance of chainmail bikinis in the game. May I just say I'm disappointed?

How many times must we gamer girls explain that we want to wear real armor and clothes instead of having to prance about looking like fantasy game bunnies? It is actually possible for women to look good in real armor. There really is no need to make us bear our midriffs and our thighs all the time.

Zubon from KillTenRats had a great idea about the outfits. Actually, he had another great idea about the character creation screen. Please, developers of this beautiful game, think about this. Think about how you portray women and what they wear in your game, think about how you show different body types in your game, because it's not just fun to look at. It impacts the way we look at ourselves.

If you want people to really roleplay in this game, to really feel like their characters are part of them, you really need to give us the opportunity to create characters with different body types, you really need to give us the opportunity to dress ourselves with dignity. Think about it.

On Friday, Remco went off to larp and I started playing the Guildwars 2 beta weekend. I went to sleep when I was tired, I ate when I woke up and then I played until I was tired again and the cycle repeated until Remco got home. It felt nice to let go of everything and try out this wet dream of a game. Today, Remco and I watched movies and ate fast food and ice cream. Pure indulgence.

I don't indulge very often. I'm a bit of a defeatist and I keep myself on a short leash. That's probably what got me into this mess. Perhaps I'm finally learning to relax.

Now if I could only cry my eyes out over a good movie without turning into a wheezing blob of snot...

There's no NDA, so I'm free to fangirl all I want. So far, this game is SHINY! Really pretty. Let me make a list.

In the Meh column:
the Norn and the great hunt
the Necromancer
the human noble story
the issues with the login server
unbalanced events where all the players die
being separated from your party members when transferring to a different area
all progress will be erased after this weekend
still no known release date

In the Yay column:
Divinity's Reach
Lion's Arch and the underwater ruins of Old Lion's Arch
the Elementalist
the Ranger
silly tasks like feeding cows and playing with leopard cubs
the weapon skills and their unlocking mechanism
such a detailed world with things to discover

The only mechanic that I think is really wrong in this game is the notion of Death Penalty. When you die, your equipment has a chance of breaking, very logical. But Death Penalty gives you less health than you normally have, making it harder to keep going without dying again. It becomes a negative cycle and completing whatever you were doing is almost impossible.

What I absolutely love about this game is the way every player has to learn to be versatile. There are so many skills you can use and it's so easy to switch between different approaches that you can choose a different set of skills for every occasion.

Lots of skills make life easier for other players, not just your party members, but anyone you run into. Your skills work together, creating combo effects and anyone can res others. There is no way for other players to steal your xp or your loot, so you're always happy to see other players and do things together. No menu clicking or name searching needed, you see someone, you can just run on over there and do stuff together.

The only reason I'm not playing right now is because all our progress will be erased after this weekend. Duh. It's a beta weekend, not the real game. But I still want to have things to explore and stuff to do when the real game gets here, and not have to do it all over again. Though there are plenty of things I wouldn't mind having to do again.

It's a great game, so the only regret I have is that it's not been released yet.

Thanks to Stijn:
(and Bimfoodle who is providing my purrzac by sitting on me as I write this)

So, on Mondays, I post about my week. I'm afraid it's going to take a while until I will be myself again, though.

We're back from Tenerife, unpacked, washed, settled in again. Bimfoodle was upset the first couple of days after we returned home, or maybe he was just a little under the weather. I know I am; sniffles and belly rumblings.

This weekend, we visited my parents who took us out to dinner, I went out for a day in the green with JW and I DMed a new session of our Pathfinder campaign about paladins, dragons and the plague.

This week is like a blank page waiting for me to fill it in. Sure, we'll be playing Shadowrun with the tabletop gang and MtG with Nuts, and Janestarz will come visit me on Friday. But because the doctor says I shouldn't have any deadlines stressing me out, I have a list of things to do with no due date. Cleaning the house, write Irrisistible, prepare more story for our Pathfinder campaign, write some Mass Effect fanfic, and play games I enjoy. My dad has given me a good French movie to watch, and I want to sit down with Moulin Rouge soon.

Plenty of things to do, but I feel skittish and not yet ready to take charge of my life.

The house is a mess and Bimfoodle is king of the mess. Under constant loud mewing. We'll be quietly returning to real life over the course of the next few days.

Here are the photos from Tenerife 2012 that turned out alright

I will be available again on all channels very soon. TTYL

This is what I have to tell about our holiday so far.

( behind a cut )

This post is quite long enough now. I'll check in later.

Have arrived at Tenerife safely. stop. No internet in hotel room. Only dodgy terminal in lobby. stop. Fine weather. stop. Sunburnt. stop. Am writing down adventures for you to read later. Love you much. stop.

Packing is always a drag, this pic shows how we run around the house trying to remember whether we've packed everything, and if we haven't, where we've left it.

We brought Bim to Oeffelt this morning, looks like he's going to have a great time at the cat hotel there. Not only was there a huge amount of food there, but also a wonderful playground and some new friends. An energetic red male, two pretty females, a gorgeous burmese and a shy persian, for now.

Paco and Plym took us for coffee at Coffyn and then we took them for dinner at Orient Plaza, because we don't get to see Plym very often.

And now, I think we're almost ready to go to bed. I've packed a suitcase and two handbags, I'm bringing three books, some cereal bars, some instant coffee and three pairs of shoes, none of them with heels. Now we just have to check into the plane online, set the alarmclock to 5:30, download all my writing to my laptop and check whether I haven't forgotten anything again.

I don't know if I'll have internet in the hotel, so if you don't hear from me, I'm relaxing on a tropical island that is officially in Spain. TTYL

Story length so far 10780 words

What's going on? I've been reading Guilty Pleasures, an important book in the Urban Fantasy canon, to compare it to Irresistible. It has helped me add physical descriptions of characters and places without sacrificing the story's pacing.

What's coming next? I'm very happy with the sexual tension in the scene where Lena meets my yummy demon Kal, and now I'll be moving on to Therese, the psychic who will answer all of Lena's questions about magic and vampires, and Kal.

Noteworthy snippet
Kal gave me an intense look. His mouth was open just a bit and his cheeks were flushed. He replied in a breathless whisper: "You are not what I expected."

I studied his dark eyes. "Who are you? And what did you expect me to be?"

He sat down again, crossing his legs and his arms. "I'm Kallistratos Damon, the proprietor of this shop. That's why the vampires accept this street to be my territory. I'm an incubus and they know better than to cause me trouble."

A what? I tried to think to remember what I knew about the word incubus, but I only knew it had something to with sex.

"And you..." He took a deep breath. "Therese warned me you were..."

"What?" I threw my hands in the air. "Special? Never seen a thing like me before? A thing? I'm getting sick of hearing that. Last time I checked, I was just a girl! Why do you see something else? Did someone brand me on the forehead?"

He rose from the chair. "I'm sorry..."

I turned away and hugged myself. Leo. Whatever was wrong with me, he had caused it.

"I never meant to insult you in any way." Kal peered out of the window through the blinds. "I just wanted to keep you safe. The vampires have probably left. But I could escort you home, if that would make you feel safer."

I stared at Sophie's shoes; my feet were hurting, they were just a little too small. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I should be thankful, but I've just been through a lot."

He offered me his hand. "Go to Therese. She can explain everything. It has been less than twenty years since she had the rude awakening you just had. And come to me whenever you're in trouble. Any friend of Therese's is a friend of mine."

I took his hand and stood, my face suddenly very close to his. I stared at his olive eyes. He smelled freshly washed, a better scent than any cologne ever invented. His fingers twitched in my hand, his nostrils moved and there was a desire in his eyes. A feeling of deja-vu came over me, Anais was just as sensually close to me before she died.

He pulled away. "I don't think I need to walk you home. You'll be fine."

I nodded. "Thanks again."

Not just because she is turning youtube into a bonafide TV channel with fun stuff to watch. Not just because she is intelligent and beautiful and a gamer. Not just because she does what she likes and is successful because of that. She is not just reinventing television and using the tools of the internet in new and exciting ways. She speaks to me more than Alanis Morisette ever did. When I'm done crying over the memories this song brings back, it's going to be my new theme song.

The past weeks have been drifting by and I forget what day it is. Remco's B-day was a wonderful day with some good friends visiting, but never too many at the same time. Sunday we played a boardgame with friends who live too far away to see them very often and we went out and stuffed ourselves at De Stadsherberg, which means something like ye olde inn.

I'm reading a lot about Guildwars 2. The pre-order will become available after easter in a few weeks, and the game is just looking very shiny. The wonderful website KillTenRats has been providing me with in-depth info about the beta and how the game works. I just want to sit down and make characters now, a Sylvari necromancer called Pale Rose, a Norn ranger called Pale Emma and a Charr guardian called Pale Levee. But I'll have occupy myself with other things a little longer, because ArenaNet still hasn't announced a release date, even though the videos from the beta weekend look awesome.

Friday we'll be taking Bimfoodle to the animal pension, because we're getting on a plane for Tenerife on Saturday. The holiday will do us a load of good, but I'll have to be careful not to get horribly sunburnt and not to spend too much money.

Story length so far 8247 words

What's going on? I'm done revising the premise so that we don't have a clueless college boy performing an Aztec ritual that has grave consequences, but now we have an evil mage from Mexico performing an Aztec ritual with a healthy share of premeditation. And he's a much more interesting main villain than the local head vampire.

What's coming next? Now I can get back to Lena and the Incubus. (fatal attraction anyone?) And the part of the story where Lena finally gets answers about vampires, magic and everything. (not 42 this time)

Noteworthy snippet
The campus killer grabbed me by the wrist and studied me with a scowl. Nerves wrenched my stomach into a tiny sick ball and I quivered, frozen in place.

"Are you Solos?" he asked in a low growl.

Sounds of movement from the classroom. "I am Leo Solos," Leo replied loudly.

The campus killer bared his long canines at me. "Then what are you?"

I wished the ground would swallow me up, but no such thing happened. I was afraid that if I'd open my mouth only frightened vomit would come out. The campus killer was not human, I could see it clearly now. There was something predatory in his eyes, there was hunger in his grin and there was an air of sociopathic confidence about him. To him, I was just food in a cute but strange wrapper.

"And you must be Fred." Leo appeared in the classroom doorway, with a bag in his hand. "You're early."

Fred approached Leo, dragging me along with him. "Do you want to know why I'm early?" he asked with a menacing grin.

Leo kept his cool somehow. "Sounds like you want to get it off your chest."

"Because I am not a lapdog!" the campus killer bellowed. "You can not offer me treats and expect me to do tricks for you! I am a hunter and you are my prey!"

I cringed and tried to slink away, but he still held firmly on to my wrist.

Leo dipped his hand into the bag and it sounded like the bag was full of marbles. "Can we talk like two civilised beings, or do you want me to drop this on the floor?"

There was a twitch across Fred's face, but he composed himself quickly. "The question is, will the marbles be all over the floor before or after I wring your neck?"

"And let the girl get away?" Leo asked quickly.

"Leave me out of this!" I blurted out.

The campus killer jerked his arm, hurling me to the ground. "There is something about her. But I can catch her later. You annoy me, mortal, because you think you can negotiate with me." He gripped Leo by the collar and lifted him off the floor. The bag of marbles fell out of his hands, still closed. "I am not a convenient way to get rid of a body. I am the monster that will end you!"

I keep thinking that Mass Effect 3 might have been a wonderful game if the people who made it great had actually got the time and the means to do an adequate job. It seems unfinished. Cutscenes where characters are suddenly using default weapons or wearing default armor. Railroaded parts where the player suddenly has no say at all. And I'm not even talking about the nonsensical dreams and the ending.

I've seen too many instances of plain and simple bad story-writing. And I am amazed at their presence, because Bioware has some awesome story-writing going on, in other games, in the previous Mass Effect games and even some pretty moving plot in Mass Effect 3 itself. What went wrong? Rush job? Not enough budget? Please, please don't tell me the Bioware story-writers are proud of this... this... this sequence of nonsensical cutscenes at the end.

Or even the strategy to win the war. I'm no strategist, I suck at war games where you have to position troops to defeat an army, but even I was thinking to myself: it doesn't seem like a wise plan to bet all your resources on one superweapon. One superweapon that was designed by someone you don't know, that could have been designed by the enemy for all you know. That line where the entire combined galactic fleet is holding its breath and someone goes: "Ahem, Shepard? It's not firing. Could you check?" You built a superweapon and you have no idea how it works?

And don't get me started on the strategy to blast through London, retake the Citadel and get the weapon working! It feels like all of that was written by someone with less strategic insight than me, and who didn't have time to go over it with someone who does have the required skills. It feels like it was never edited. Never edited. The first deadly sin of story-writing.

It's so confusing. Mass Effect has been very challenging on a moral level, it makes the player think about free choice, genocide, tolerance, ruthlessness and self-sacrifice. There are beautiful, moving parts of the story about these themes, brilliantly portrayed. And the thing I admire the most throughout all the games is a technique the Bioware story-writers also used when making Star Wars: the Old Republic, the remarkable skill to make a character into a legend, into something larger than life, revered, feared and awesome. So why were those clearly skilled story-writers not allowed to use their powers to polish this game to a point where it would be actually good, well, that is completely beyond me.

Let me just conclude by saying I will deinstalling this waste of my money, along with their spyware disguised as a service. Don't mind me, I'm just a writer who cares about continuity. I'll be over here in Solitude with my Dunmer wife, killing dragons.

I have completely forgotten my weekly and it's not coming either. Instead, here's another meme.

Comment to this post, mention you want to participate and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

fub gave me the following things to talk about:

imagination
Our imagination is an incredibly powerful force and I think it's undervalued in our society. It's a skill that becomes better and better every time you practice it and besides helping us relax, it can do all sorts of useful things. Empathy springs to mind, though I find it hard to explain all the uses for my empathy and imagination in daily life. I can't imagine living without them, no pun intended.

Practicing your imagination is easy. Daydreaming is not only fun and relaxing, but research shows it has many uses. Roleplaying and other story-telling games are fun ways to use your imagination together with friends.

the difference between LARP and table-top RPGs in the way you portray your character
In a tabletop game, the most important things for me are always: "What would my character want? What would he/she do? And how do I get the rest of players along with that?" And the latter question is not even entirely in character, making the players comfortable = making the characters more prone to work together in a tabletop game.

The most obvious difference with larp is the bigger focus on who your character is. Designing the clothes the character wears and the tools he/she uses says something about the character, like characterisation in books. And then there's mannerisms, voice, posture. I don't know if you've ever played a character that physically changed your posture during the game, but that's a very important thing in larp. Posture and costume do so many things for social interaction, it influences dominance, confidence, expectations and group dynamics. It works the same way as your car influences the way other drivers react to you on the road.

creating things
I always hated making things with my hands when I was younger. I have very bad hand-eye coordination and combine that with a natural perfectionism, I was always unhappy at what I had created. Putting that in perspective, I have tremendous respect for people who have the patience and the skill to do what I cannot: make things, create a physical object of simple beauty. Many people tell me that writing stories is creating too, and that they respect my ability in that field. But somehow, to me that's not the same.

cooking
My father taught me everything I know about food. We can talk about it without end, which ingredients to use and how to change the taste. He used to challenge me, when we were on holiday or in a restaurant, to detect the ingredients of everything we were eating, even mineral water and juice. I have loved cooking ever since, even though I have no patience to stand in the kitchen for hours on end. Every time I make something, I learn something new about the mystery of adding things together and what happens when you heat it. Even though I like a great variery of foods, I'm picky without showing it. I can see how much attention and skill has gone into a meal.

vacations
My view of going on holiday may differ from most people's. My parents used to take us camping and sightseeing in France when I was young, but they fell in love with a particular area of France and I have never seen much else of the world. Being highly sensitive, I have no ambition to see the world and all its wonders. I don't have the money anyway. Holidays are now an excuse to do only fun things for days on end to me. And that includes going to familiar places, because going somewhere new is often exciting in a way that's not fun, to me.

fashion
I think it's important to dress yourself in a way that suits your body, wearing clothes that fit well, colours that go with your skin and your hair and your eyes. Style is something personal that can't be dictated from Paris or Italy and I feel that many people these days wear clothes that don't suit them because fashion dictates it. I have always strived to wear only clothes that suit me, fit me and make me feel good, current fasion be damned.

music
I have very broad tastes when it comes to music. Different styles can suit different moods and when I understand what a song means and it speaks to me, I immediately like it more. But I also take joy from interesting sounds, singers with an unusual voice, different styles mashed up to create something new, a skillfully played instrument and intoxicating beats. I have a particular love for songs I can sing, jazzy melodies or ballad-like songs. I have a range of two octaves and a nice volume; I enjoy singing anything from Sinatra and Fitzgerald to K's Choice, Alanis Morisette, Sheryl Crowe and then on to Skunk Anansie and Evanescence.

Tagged by naomi_jay and intothenyght for a Lucky Seven Excerpt.

The rules are simple:
1. Go to page 77 in your current manuscript
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next seven lines as they are; no cheating!
4. Tag 7 other authors

I'm not going to tag anyone, but this meme is a nice excuse to dig up the manuscript of Destiny and check if the pages are numbered correctly.

( seven lines from page 77 here )

Irresistible has been progressing well the past two days. I'm glad that I'm able to concentrate long enough again to write something that makes me happy.

Except that now I've backed myself into a corner. My villain is in a predicament, with an angry vampire at his throat, and I'm just sitting here, enjoying how dangerous the vampire is, wondering how my villain will get himself out of this one. And I just don't know.

I have been scouring my sources for myths about vampires that have not yet been worked into a tv-trope. Thornbushes, running water and beads, beans and rice come to mind, so I'll definitely be using those. But that still doesn't get our villain out of the clutches of this particular angry vampire. Luckily, our villain is not an ordinary man, but a ritualist with in-depth knowledge of Aztec magic. I guess I'll be researching more Aztecs now.

Feel free to share in the comments an original method to fight off a vampire; it doesn't need to kill the demon, just make him back off.

I received flowers from work yesterday. A great bunch of white flowers, in pretty purple wrappings. I had forgotten how thoughtful some of my colleagues can be. I never expect people to be nice to me, I think being overworked has given my confidence a kick to the floor. Good thing that life keeps pleasantly surprising me with people who like me just because I'm me and because I like them being themselves too. But part of me still expects them to have selfish motives...

Enunciate!

...getting back in the writing saddle. Irresistible is not just a silly story to amuse myself like Brass & Breath or the story about Audrey, it's what I think Urban Fantasy should be like, with a heroine I can relate to, instead of some tough chick and/or private detective.

Now to find me some music that will help me write...

...going to an amusement park. Janestarz took me to the Efteling today (which is apparently Nokey's fault because he told her she should go). Not only was the weather on this first day of spring very fine, but the crowd in the park was minimal.

Janestarz loves rollercoasters but I'm not a fan. Sensory overload makes me tremble and cry. I went along for the Condor ride and the Vliegende Hollander anyway, very thrilling. And there is nothing quite like sitting quietly on a bench under a rollercoaster and sensing your friend squee at the top of her lungs as she swoops overhead. We had a blast.

I topped the day off with a eucalyptus-scented bath and now I'm all warm and fuzzy. Tomorrow my active relaxation will include reading and writing about things that are important in my life: my job, my writing and our options for ivf.

I've decided to come out of my cave again, because the world outside is not as hostile as I imagined it to be and because it can get pretty dark and alone in there. I'm pleasantly bewildered by the amount of support I have been getting. I had never expected any doctor, let alone two, to prescribe me "several weeks of active relaxation and avoidance of all stress" but they have, my own GP and the company doctor. There you have it, it's official.

The amount of support from my friends has been equally bewildering. At Legend Falls (which was a heap of fun btw!) they lined up to hug me in turn, and everyone kept checking on me to make sure I was having fun. Thank you. I was having fun. It was the most fun I have had at a larp in a long while. Maedha is one of my favourite characters, just because of the teamwork between her and Adriel when dealing with morally ambiguous plot. And because Maedha can just lie down for a picnick in the sunday morning sun with anyone else at Legend Falls; she's everyone's friend.

I really should make a menu for this week, before it turns into the silent brooding I did last week. So I'll get up in the morning to do my email and write some things, I'll let Bimfoodle out to play with his girlfriends in the yard (he has several, the casanova) and in the afternoon I'll go out for walks or visit friends. First up on my list are Janestarz and Steelweaver, but if you have time and attention, I could probably come over, let me know.

courtesy to Paco who pointed it out to me.

Kenshinichinyo tagged me. He challenged me to answer 11 questions.

First some rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them you've tagged them.

Being me, I am of course going to completely disregard these rules. You can consider yourself tagged if you want to, but I won't be forcing this on anyone.

Here is a lesser known picture of me, made by the talented photographer Ork.



11 random things:
1. Bimfoodle is outside making googly eyes at me, hoping I'll let him back in.
2. Our home phone sometimes spontaneously malfunctions, making it impossible for anyone to call us.
3. I'm very fond of pickles.
4. Sometimes I look at houses that are for sale and imagine whether I would like to live there, even though I have no intention of moving anytime soon.
5. I just let Bim inside; I am such a softie.
6. I have trouble concentrating, it's one of the most annoying symptoms of being overworked so far.
7. Everyone who can string together a coherent sentence thinks they can write, but there is so much more to it.
8. I can never admit to myself that I'm jealous, I am not allowed to be jealous, it would make me a bad bad person.
9. There's a bunch of roses standing on the table and it's almost withered but I don't want to throw it away yet.
10. There were two men at the door this morning and they wanted to tell me about the bible. So I told them I have a bible and I prefer to read it myself, instead of being told how to read it by strangers. I think my friendly smile confused them, but they left rather quickly after that.
11. My concentration is till bad.

Kenshin's questions, translated:
1. A classic question: if you could ask God/Allah/Buddha/the spaghetti monster one question, what would it be?
Are you there?
2. Name one thing in your life that you're grateful for.
My husband.
3. What would you do if you won a million euros in the lottery today?
Pay off all my debts, hire someone to fix everything in our house and do the garden. Visit New York to pitch my manuscript to literary agents.
4. Which historical figure's memories would you like to relive?
Wilhelmina Drucker.
5. You get one scroll of resurrection. Who would you bring back from the dead?
I'd save it up and think long and hard before using it, who am I to change the natural order of things?
6. Do you believe in things that have not been scientifically proven, like auras, reiki, spirits, etc?
I'm done doubting myself. If I see or sense something, I don't care if some scientist says it's not possible. It's real to me.
7. What is your favourite tree or plant?
Willow trees, especially the kind with the hanging branches.
8. Which of your larp characters has touched you the most?
Without a douct it has to be Audrey, who taught me more about social behaviour than I ever learned in high school.
9. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
I'd get together with Cory Doctorow and find a way to abolish copyright.
10. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Confidence. If I could just believe in myself and ignore the opinions of people who don't matter to me, I could accomplish a lot.
11. What is the thing that makes you get up in the morning (besides your alarm clock^_^)?
Optimism. Today could be another beautiful day and I could get some things done.

And now I have to make up eleven new questions... I'm going to copy Kenshin's best one.

1.Why do you have (no) pets?
2.Do you believe in things that have not been scientifically proven, like auras, reiki, spirits, etc?
3.What would you do if you found a wounded animal along the side of the road?
4.What is your first thought when someone gives you a compliment?
5.What is your first thought when someone criticises you?
6.What is your dream holiday like?
7.If I say the word "spaceship" what are you thinking of?
8.If I say the word "hero" what are you thinking of?
9.If you were a super-villain, what would your evil scheme to take over the world be?
10.What is your favourite sound?
11.How do you deal with pain?

She died. Not a glorious death to save my life or further our cause. She was crushed by a bandit's mallet in a dark cave on a side-track that had nothing to do with our mission. I finished off the bandits and took her body home to Solitude. I thought it would affect me more, but I haven't shed a tear. I have work to do.

The battle for Windhelm was tough. But in the end, Ulfric asked that I would be the one to end his life. Which I did with pleasure. But even now that the rebellion has been crushed, I feel there is more work to be done in Skyrim. I'm turning my attention to Markarth, the city where I could find many answers if I look hard enough.

Delphine of the Blades assures me that her organisation has always served the Dragonborn and now she will serve me. She wants me to infiltrate the Thalmor embassy to find out more about the dragons. Meeting Lady Elenwen there will be awkward. I should make preparations.

I got an email that I can give away some free trials to my friends. Leave me a message if you want one. The comments are screened to weed out strangers looking for a free pass.

Being a thane in Solitude has its perks. Jenassa and I have spent too much time lounging in our new and beautiful manor. As part of our little celebration of our accomplishments, we got married. And I enchanted a heap of useful items for us to use. But now we have to get back to our task.

When we were on the road the other day, we ran into an orc surrounded by corpses of dangerous animals. He said he wanted to die in battle, a good death, but these creatures had not been able to grant him that. As I thought about this, a dragon swooped over and attacked. And the orc survived yet again. I decided against attempting to grant his request after that.

I'm not convinced General Tullius has what it takes to defeat the Stormcloak rebellion. His second in command Rikke seems much more on top of the situation, even though she is the type to attack first and ask questions later. I'm glad they're leaving the field work up to Jenassa and myself, or the war effort would know no subtlety at all.

Now that Winterhold, the Rift and The Pale are in our hands, it is time to move on Windhelm. The more I learn about who Ulfric Stormcloak really is, the more I want to see him burn until there is nothing left of him. Not just because he worships a false god. Skyrim will be a better place without him.

Meanwhile, Jenassa is becoming protective of me. More and more often, I have to ask her to wait while I sneak ahead and do what I do best. If I'd let her come with me, she'd get between me and my enemies, she'd alert them of my presence and she'd die trying to defend me. Silent as always, but while she promised to be the shadow at my back, I feel her looming over me, a witness to my every act, a judge contemplating her verdict. She has noticed my unease, and soon when I ask her to wait for me in our home in Solitude, she will not be surprised.

It's Monday, so I really should be writing a weekly, but this is all I'll write. I might post more Skyrim fanfic about my lesbian Thalmor agent Dragonborn, but not much more about me. I haven't been answering my emails and I probably won't for the next couple of days. The elastic band that is usually my emotional range just snapped this weekend while I should have been having fun. When I work up the right amount of energy, I'll go see my doctor and he'll confirm that I'm overworked, stressed out and in need of rest. He'll tell me to stay home for x weeks and he might refer me to a therapist who might help me stop worrying about the fact that no one will replace me at work. When I start to feel better, I'll write more and I'll have time to visit friends. But for now, I declare radiosilence.

Becoming a thane in Solitude is not an easy task. The sealed-off buildings and catacombs are filled with the angry spirits of Nord ancestors and the city is crawling with suspicious characters. As Jenassa and I make our way through the swamps to a ship stranded there because the lighthouse failed to guide it into the harbor, I'm starting to doubt the word of that Argonian Jaree-Ra. Easy money doesn't exist, and I'm worried the Argonian's gang is going to ambush us before we can report them to the Imperials. Jenassa welcomes the challenge, she'd love to personally give Jaree-Ra exactly what's coming to him. But to me, this undertaking feels like a side-track that will not help us become thane.

Jenassa doesn't like the swamps. When I'm wading through hip-deep water, I can see her from the corner of my eye, pacing the shore, trying to find a way around. She says it's her armor, the water will do no good for the leather. I told her I'd buy her some new armor, but she persists. I think it's adorable and I'm looking forward to taking her back to the Winking Skeever later to wash her hair and rub soap all over her ebony skin. That thought keeps me going when my shoes are all soggy and cold.

Story length so far 8408 words
But, I've just finished marking up everything that needs to rewritten in order to make the ritual into something that's forced upon Lena, which means 3666 words are now marked in red and don't really count.

What's going on? Contrary to the previous version, Lena's boyfriend Ron now doesn't believe anything supernatural happened to her. Even Lena's friends Jo and Sophie don't believe her, but at least they are being supportive about it.

What's coming next? Revising the ritual into a violent scene that happens against Lena's will. Ooh boy...

Noteworthy snippet
Ron's room was dark except for his desk lamp and his cumputer screen when I entered. He greeted me with the absent handwave I knew so well. It meant: "I'm in the middle of combat right now, I'll put the game down and hug you when I reach a safe spot". I crawled onto the bed and tried not to cry as I waited. After a few seconds, Ron put down his headphones and rode his chair over to the bed. He embraced me and I told him everything.

"It was like I was in a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode. One where Buffy is out of town." I huddled on the bed, staring at Ron.

He patted me on the leg. "California is a long way from here, no wonder she didn't swing by."

"I'm not joking, Ron! I saw a real vampire really kill someone!"

He nodded. "What kind of powers do you suppose a vampire has?"

My mouth sagged open as I looked at him. "Powers?"

"If they are like Buffy's vampires, we could track him down and defeat him ourselves with a pointy stick or by setting him on fire. It would be dangerous, but doable." He leaned back in his chair as he stared at the ceiling, thinking out loud. "But if they're like World of Darkness vampires or Anne Rice's vampires, we don't stand a chance."

I gasped, not knowing what to say. He was such a nerd.

My Excellency Lady Elenwen,

Let me first state that I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me by putting the past behind us. As a spy in Skyrim I can be so much more useful to you than in death. I understand that you and our fellow Thalmor will deny my affiliation to you, if not my existence. I do not expect anything else.

It was wise of you to have me arrested along with a group of Stormcloaks, although I admit I wonder how we would have circumvented my execution if that dragon hadn't come along. But I have gained the trust of a few Stormcloaks by helping them escape Helgen. I am now in a perfect position to sabotage their little rebellion. I will also report in with General Tullius to see if I can assist him in his effort against the Stormcloaks.

In an attempt to learn more about dragons, I have infiltrated the court of Whiterun; Jarl Balgruuf has named me his thane. The Jarl's court mage is providing me with research into the dragons' history and their graves, and the housecarl has assisted me in killing a dragon so I could examine its corpse. I was able to absorb the dragon's soul somehow, and the superstitious Nords have started to refer to me as "the Dragonborn" ever since. I will investigate further by visiting the enygmatic Greybeards in their mountain retreat to ask what it means to be Dragonborn.

I will report in again soon.
May the Eight Divines guide us on the path to Thalmor Supremacy
Sirilwen

(In other words: I am playing Skyrim again, with a slightly different approach this time)

The downside of spending the entire weekend hiding in your cave, trying to relax, is that I didn't realise what was in my agenda for this week. OMG! This weekend is Charm! PANIC!

So the menu for this week goes something like this:
Work, groceries, play some swtor with RatSat, sleep, work, Maerquin Skype meeting, sleep, work, Shadowrun evening, sleep, work, play some MtG with Nuts, sleep, pre-Charm panic and pack, Charm at the Necropolis! pretend to be an undead or really become one, I'm very probably going to die! and no sleeping because I might miss something! And Rob's Birthday party when we're all dead and tired. And sleep.

I think I might try to take Monday off from work...

Story length so far 7828 words

What's going on? I have finally reached Lena's first meeting with Kal, and I just love writing this part with the sexual tension and everything, but it's not easy to get it right.

What's coming next? I have figured out what is wrong with the premise of the story and I'll have to go back to fix it, making the whole story darker. It turns the vampires and Kal into side-plots as well as making Ron less important in the story. It complicates things, opening up the possibility to make this into a novel-length story, or at least a novella.

It's a risky move, it will turn the premise of the story into a possible rape metaphor and I'll have to navigate the trecherous waters that come with that. But I have made an inventory of tropes I absolutely need to avoid and details I really need to include to make this story into a tale of a strong woman, inspired by the wise things Jim Hines has written on the subject.

I'm also working on making Lena into a real person, a person based on who I was in college. I'm not sure if this is a smart move since I was never an ordinary girl, but I have had positive comments about Lena so far, and trying to write her like a girl I don't know will only make her a fake.

Noteworthy snippet
Nerves made my heart pound faster when I realised that he was taking me to the shop called Eros. The neon lights played across his face as he held the door open for me. Once inside, I took a good look around before following him. Most of the walls were covered with shelves displaying adult DVDs, but there was one display with brightly coloured toys. The light in the shop was dimmed, but there was another neon sign indicating that the stairs down led to the booths and the show. A man ducked among the shelves as I passed him and the girl behind the counter briefly looked up from her magazine. Mr Damon walked to the door behind the counter and glanced back at me. I tried to look cool as I passed the numerous boxes of condoms and batteries. He closed the door behind me and led me down a dark corridor to an office. He turned on the light and gestured to the leather couch.

We kept our load light this weekend, a day with friends and fun, a day at home with movies. We have some new information to chew on in the fertility department, an operation that will condemn Remco to bedrest for ten days with no certainty of being able to conceive children after that. A queue of three months for this operation creates an uneasy hole in our agenda at the beginning of this summer. And seeing other people's wonderful babies and handsome teenagers fills me with mixed feelings. Remco and I had a good cry somewhere between the hours on the couch watching movies together. First world problems, right?

The week continues on a light schedule. Evenings playinig swtor or watching more movies, a visit to my mum on Friday, Daniel taking us out to dinner on Saturday. I'm afraid I'm not being very productive on many fronts. My WiP is progressing because writing is escapism, vampires are just easier to think about than the future. I'm afraid I bit off more than I can chew again. Story of my life...

I've been brooding on this for a while. It's about society.

Equality is an illusion. Kids are either born to poor parents, rich parents or somewhere in-between, and this will shape their life. The school they attend and the place they grow up, that adds the equation. What they want and whether they work hard to achieve what they want is only a small part of the whole. Failing is possible. Actually, it's quite common.

That's why I believe in social benefits. I live in a rich country and I think it's good that part of our taxes are used to give benefits to people who are poor. Money to pay their rent and their medical care, the basic things a person needs to live.

I believe that everyone who plays their role in society, goes to work, goes to school, tries to find a job, can't work because they're chronically or mentally ill, works freelance or starts up their own company, has the right to live above the poverty threshold. And I'm happy to live in a country that tries to provide for that.

It makes me sad when I think about all those people who do work that is very important, like cleaning, taking care of the sick and the elderly, making long hours in hospitals and shops, teaching our children, fixing our houses, keeping our streets clean, who get paid so little. And at the same time there are people who have never done a day's honest work in their life, spend their days in meetings, selling others hot air and rubbing elbows, and they're rich without a care in the world. It makes me happy to think that our government makes like Robin Hood by taking taxes from the rich and giving benefits to the poor.

I guess I must be a little socialist.