I spend a lot of time looking forward, trying to anticipate and plan for what's coming next. Living in the moment is not entirely my thing, I'm afraid. I often can't relax, knowing that something else is coming and I haven't quite prepared for it yet. This attitude is very useful in our society of full agendas and lunch dates where things don't happen unless you make them happen. But this mindset has been making me very sad lately.

What have I got to look forward to? No really. That's a serious question. You all know I used to look forward to becoming a mother. I was afraid of it even. That was not a bad feeling, not compared to the empty black hole that is my future now. What am I going to do? I know, you've told me a thousand times. I know the answer. Enjoy my life, for me. Do what I want. But what is that?

Maybe I'll write more books. Maybe I'll get published. That would be nice. A letter from a publisher. "We like your manuscript. Here's 5000 bucks, we're going to make it into a book and sell it in stores and on Amazon." If I get lucky, there might be royalty statements after those 5000 bucks, but I'm not counting on it. If I get really lucky, and I mean really really lucky, I'll become just as successful as my favourite authors: Lois McMaster Bujold and Wen Spencer. Oh, you've never heard of them? That's my point.

I know! I'll organise more larp events. Game master more roleplaying games. Entertain my friends. Share stories with them around the fire, bake and cook for them, help them when they're in trouble and watch them be happy. I love people and the feeling seems to be mutual, I do a lot of what I do just to make other people smile.

But that's just filling. A pleasant way to pass the time, a way to forget my own needs. I don't know my needs. I don't know what to do with my life. What have I got to look forward to?